As time goes by….

As time goes by things do get easier, but not in the sense you expect. It’s very strange, I’ve been ill this past week and laying on my sofa doing nothing has meant Elliot has been in my thoughts a lot – and by a lot I mean every second.

I don’t cry or feel particularly anything other than full of love for him, when somebody told me that the grief will ease but the love will last forever they was right. At the moment getting out of bed to face the day is A LOT easier however as time goes by other things have gotten harder. I still find it hard to accept I will never see Elliot again and these photos and memories are all that remain of our amazing week together as a family. What gets harder as time goes on is the gap between seeing Elliot, everyday is a day further away from my precious little boy and a day closer to a future without him.  Everyday something missing from my life. OUR life as a family.

However, I do like to think that Elliot has given us a great gift for he has changed me and Chris into much better people for knowing him. He has made us better parents, neither of us take anything for granted anymore, we are both more compassionate and understanding – and that’s all down to our little boy. The biggest gift given is the one he has given his future brothers or sisters as he has taught us immeasurable love and braveness and that together we can tackle anything. He’s made me more patient and honestly I know that my future children will benefit vastly from all the positive changes Elliot caused within me. I know that without him, I would be a completely different person, a completely different parent, a completely different step mum and a vastly different partner to Chris.

Trivial things like belongings and money don’t seem to matter so much, time and memories and love are what actually matter. Family and memories made with them.

So my illness this week has allowed me to reflect greatly on the last six months of my life, whilst I miss Elliot EVERY single day, I know that if he was still here I would not be the better person I am now. The loss of my son – who meant everything to me has impacted my life way more than I ever expected, in ways I never would of thought.

For anybody else going through loss, be it baby loss, a loss of a partner or a parent or loved one – I want you to keep going and keep muddling through. You’ve got this, think of how proud you are making them, and my inbox is always open for you, as I know how dangerous it can be in your own head.

 

Thanks, Kate

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Things I’m Struggling With…

So as the days pass by I keep thinking that time doesn’t really heal and actually as time goes by things get worse. As every day passes I feel like it is a day further away from touching my little angel, each day is further away from tickling his feet and giving him little kisses. I miss him every day and recently I actually cry A lot more than I originally did. Maybe now it has hit me, maybe now the sadness I feel is because it’s actually sunk in that I will never get to see him again

Oh and I actually feel like I need to delete social media, delete my email account and never ever leave the house. I know I cannot possibly do that but EVERYWHERE I go is baby’s or happy family’s and It actually breaks my heart. Obviously I am happy for everyone who’s had a baby or who is pregnant and I’m glad for their happiness but until you have lost a child you will never know the sting of seeing it all.  The sting of all the what if’s and the could of beens. Everything reminds me of what happened, I see little boys playing football in the park and think that could of been my little Elliot. Fathers day is coming up and I had such amazing plans for me and Chris and my dad, all of them involving Elliot.  Suddenly you feel very stupid for planning ahead and buying the clothes and painting the nursery. Then again you never expect it to happen to you, you never ever expect the world to be so cruel.

Just a short post today, thanks for reading

Kate

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Due Date Looms

 

Well Elliot was supposed to be here in a few short weeks, I was supposed to have my son and me and Chris was supposed to start a new chapter of our lives together. Which we are doing now, but in a completely different way to what we had expected. They say having a baby changes your life, well so does losing a child. Never have I felt so confused, a confusion of what to do, what is right. Is it wrong to want another child? Is it wrong to never ever want to see another child again?

I write this post now because I have just done the school run (For Chris’s daughter), and today was a challenging one. One of the other mums is pregnant and she innocently asked me about mine, which made me freeze. I had no idea what to say to someone who I didn’t really know properly. She said I only mention because I used to see you talking to Kianna and she’d kiss your belly and you’d talk about being pregnant. I just said sadly we lost him. Then it made me realise how brave I’d actually been, I was at the school with a child who wasn’t even mine facing all these other parents – some who had obvious baby bumps too. As harsh as it sounds – I didn’t really even have to face any of this because Kianna isn’t mine and I don’t have the duty to take her to school but I do it because obviously I love her and it’s not fair for her life to change because of this horrible event.

It’s strange because although I cry less, I feel more sad? I found a letter that Chris had written me when we found out I was pregnant and in it he’d written what an amazing team we make and that I was going to be an amazing mother to his child and he couldn’t wait. It made me break down – I kept reading the letter over and over again. I couldn’t help but feel that i’d let him down in some way, not being able to grow and keep the son he wanted so badly safe inside me.

On a more positive note, I’ve decided to go back to work. 6th of June. 5 days after Elliot’s due date – scary stuff. I popped into the office yesterday and honestly I was overwhelmed by how amazing all the people I work with are. Seeing them was strange – it made me happy to catch up with them all – because although we all sometimes have little bickers – we are a tight-knit team and are always looking out for each other. Can honestly say I love every single one of the team and yesterday each in their own way they made me feel 1000% times better. BUT on the other hand it was a reminder was what would never be, I shouldn’t have been going back to work yet, I should have been on maternity leave with my son.

What I thought would be a straight line of healing is actually a picture of ups and downs, I have a feeling that recovering from this is going to be a continuous roller coaster of different emotions.

 

Today I’m going to enjoy the son with my dog and maybe if I feel like I can – I’m going to empty and sort the nursery.

 

Kate

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Family is Everything

 

 

Today, well today is a bad day. My day started fine, Gym with a friend, nice long walk home to clear my head and keep myself active. Then just hundreds and thousand of thoughts, all about Elliot and how much I wish he was still here. I was meant to be cleaning the house, but instead I cant even find the motivation to get up off the sofa. No, that isnt an excuse not to clean for anybody who knows how much I hate house work.

What actually breaks me the most is that Elliot will never physically get to be part of my family. My family is one of those family’s that everyone dreams about having – the kind that will literally cross oceans and climb mountains for you. We have family get togethers and although most of the time the kids are mardy and on their phones (im included in the kid section) we always manage to have a good time.  The thing is i’m not even just talking about my immediate family either, I’m talking about my 2nd cousins and EVEN family friends who feel more like family than anything else. When I told my family I was pregnant they all said to me that there will be no shortage of people who love your baby, he is going to be spoilt with love.  That’s what actually upsets me the most, he IS so loved and it breaks my heart to think he will not get to experience the amazing support and love from my wonderful family.

We all had so many plans for him. Only yesterday my dad came round and said he felt sad because he was so excited to take him fishing. I was so excited for family holidays. So excited to take him round to see my grandparents and spend hours on my maternity leave with my family and my son. I was excited to take him to London to see my auntie and uncle and two cousins, who no doubt would of travelled here a million times to see him before I even made it down there.

What hurts the most is that he was 1000000% wanted and he cruelly got taken away too soon and there isn’t anything anybody can do to change it. It’s still so hard to let go of all the anger and sadness I feel and I wish I could just be normal but it is so hard.

 

Kate

 

 

Elliot’s Birth

Well here goes, I said i’d say what happened at Elliot’s birth. Lets starts from the very beginning. Everybody had been commenting on how small my bump was, but honestly as it was my first child I had no idea. I could feel him move, although I was starting to get worried when people in my baby group kept saying there partners had seen the baby move in their belly etc. Elliot’s movements where little and I’d often ring the midwife complaining of reduced movements. They got me in but listening on a doppler they said everything was fine.

It was a Friday and I woke up feeling really funny – I went to work and then eventually ended up calling a midwife. Luckily the company I work for are very supportive and told me not to worry about work and get myself to the hospital. Luckily they did – as my blood pressure was extremely high and their was protein in my urine. The midwifes said I needed to be admitted straight away as my BP was borderline my organs beginning to fail.

I spent until the Monday at grimsby hospital, I had various tests and injections. Then I had a scan for Elliot, he only weighed 1lb4 and at that stage should of weighed more. My placenta has began to fail, and Elliot wasn’t getting everything he needed from me. Now as a mother my job was to grow him inside me and keep him safe, and to be told that was heartbreaking. I felt so guilty and to this day I still feel partly responsible like my body had failed him. I started crying instantly and had to walk from the scan room back to my room on the ward an absolute mess. Chris tried to keep me calm, he kept saying we knew he was small because of your bump, it’ll be ok. I got back to my room within an hour someone came in and told me, I would be delivering the baby that day. Then someone else came in and said it would be at Sheffield.

Chris wasn’t allowed in the ambulance he had to follow us down – I was petrified. Luckily I had a lovely midwife, who actually came with me. I cannot thank her enough (I wont mention her name) but she kept me calm the whole way there. I don’t think id of made it there without her coming with me. She kept me sane on the ride there.

I got there at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, Chris arrived at 4.30. I told him to call my mum. Elliot was born at 7.43 by emergency C-section and was immediately taken away, I didn’t even get to hold him. They just quickly held him up and said that’s your son, Chris left my side to go see Elliot and then he was taken to special care and put in an incubator.

Later that night they told me everything was looking good and that he was doing really well.  I was on a high dependency ward so couldn’t even go see him, Chris had to keep going alone and taking photos for me. My son only lived for 7 days, and for 2 of them I couldn’t even see him.

The whole experience was so scary and without Chris by my side I doubt Elliot would of even made it that far, as I have a phobia of needles and hospitals and everything. He held my hand every second of the way. He stayed strong the whole time, and he did everything I asked of him. Never once did he let me down.

After my C- section the specialist told me, I could of died and that my blood pressure was at a critical level.  The staff at Jessops who delivered Elliot were an amazing team, they took into consideration my fears and did everything they could to make my comfortable, some where even due to swap shifts but stayed as I felt more comfortable with them. Without the amazing staff there, I actually cannot think about what could of happened.

I now realise I am more brave than I ever thought, I just wish I could use that braveness to stop the sadness I feel more or less everyday.  I know in time and with the support from my loved ones I will get there.

Thanks for reading

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Finding Neverland

So this is a blog post mainly discussing my life after the loss of my son Elliot David Lund. I didn’t want to keep pouring my heart out on my Facebook page or my Instagram, although I want to share Elliot and my feelings about him, I am aware that maybe some people do not want to see them. I am hoping that this blog can help people who are also lost or struggling. If I can help one person feel better then honestly that would mean the world to me.

Throughout the coming weeks I will be posting about a multitude of things, coping with loss, grief, guilt and also pre-eclampsia and my general day to day life as I continue on this journey.  I am fully aware that even now I am not the person I was a month or so ago. Suffering a great deal surely does change a person, not just the loss of a child – any kind of suffering does make you question A LOT of things.

Coming to terms with what has happened has been the hardest thing – I will go into detail of what actually happened on the day of Elliot’s birth in a future post. As soon as I found out I was pregnant – I told my partner and we celebrated with a dominoes – it was a Tuesday and I remember coming home from work and taking a test. We were both so happy – me especially – as being a stepmum, I couldn’t wait for a child of my own. It only actually took us 2 weeks to fall pregnant with Elliot and I actually felt like he was our miracle baby and our lives were complete. I told my parents and they were so excited to be grandparents, they would of made fantastic grandparents. I know that because they are amazing parents. Chris’s parents were equally as happy and I know the loss has been sad for us all.

Nobody expected what happened to us, and at the moment we are all processing our emotions, hopefully writing this will help me gain some clarity.

Thanks for taking the time to read, if I feel strong enough, my next post will be about Elliot’s birth.

 

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